You Might Also Like
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.