ACED my prostate exam!
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Why I divorced her.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.