*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Haha! 😂
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*