A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
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Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.