I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
found my next D&D character name
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
😲 WTF? 😆
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.