Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it