Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Bike for sale