All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
A new level of troll.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.