One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
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Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
🤯🤯🤯
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM