Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
You Might Also Like
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My beach vacation Google searches
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.