If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Where is your GOD now????
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.