CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
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Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
this will hang in the louvre one day
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.