It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
You Might Also Like
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed