Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
You Might Also Like
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.