I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape