me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Trumpy Cat
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out