Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?