[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Lmao the reply
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out