Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
The old gods are rising again.