it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
You Might Also Like
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see