Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.