Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.