I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?