Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*