Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
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8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!