Celery is depressing green water wafers.
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Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
my first dose meeting my second
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?