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I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White