Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss