Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.