They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles