Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
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My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Animal poetry
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other