If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha