dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Banking tips
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.