Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Meeeee too!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last