I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
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<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…