*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
You Might Also Like
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.