What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Overindulged this afternoon.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.