Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.