“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
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Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.