so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
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Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.