I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.