Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices