[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Would you wear it?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Ron is short for Aaronald
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.