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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too