Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
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getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Webb. James Webb.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.