Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
it be like that
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.