ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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This squirrel eats better than I do
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
When you kidnap a writer.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
That was easy.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?