Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
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CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
sleeping beauty
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie