I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?