my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24